Please Don’t Ask Me to Watch The New Fifty Shades Movie

 Definitely not from 50 Shades of Grey, but from  The Fall.

Definitely not from 50 Shades of Grey, but from The Fall.

 

Three years ago on Valentine’s Day weekend, I heard the worst pickup line. A guy approached my group of female friends and asked, “Hey, want to see Fifty Shades of Grey?” The film was released Valentine’s weekend and has been released every Valentine’s since, and the question has haunted females since then. I imagine the guy thought all girls wanted to see the film and thought they’d get some erotic action in return, while my friends and I were less than thrilled. One friend walked away, while the other explained to the poor schmuck what the film got so wrong about BDSM culture. I’m happy this will be the last year Valentine’s Day plagued by E.L. James tiresome franchise that underutilized Jamie Dornan. Please, I beg of you, watch The Fall dear reader. You won’t regret it.

My main gripe about the Fifty Shades franchise is that the films aren’t particularly sexy despite being billed as an erotic, with a capital E. Their tagline for the latest film “Don’t miss the climax” sure seems promising but is it really all that hot? After I finished the first or second film, I always felt like I wasted my time, when I could have rewatched Good Behavior for the third time. So I propose this list of erotic thrillers to watch with your S.O., gal pals, or to watch alone because you deserve a good sexy film that’s not Fifty Shades.

 

Thief of Hearts (1984)

Let me start this list off with one of my favorite film of the 80's, that nobody has heard about. My mom showed me this film my senior year of high school after discovering Netflix had the DVD. She had fond memories of watching it with her best friend and felt it was time I loved it as well. Please excuse the most 80's trailer ever. 

The film follows a thief who on his latest score takes the personal diaries of a bored housewife, and becomes infatuated with her inner thoughts, he transforms himself into the man she so desperately desires.  He pursues the woman through the sexy nuance of supporting her hard work, when her husband simply takes her for granted. A young Steven Bauer plays Muller with passion and sensitivity. Plus its got a great soundtrack and is set in San Francisco.

 

In the Cut (2003)

 

I recommend you don’t watch this film with your parents. I accidentally stumbled upon this film with my father last Christmas holiday. We both are drawn to thrillers, but as soon as it progressed into the erotic thriller category, we had to switch to another show.

The film’s premise features an English teacher who embarks on a relationship with an mysterious detective who’s investigating a string of murders in her neighborhood. I’m going to be honest and say the plot of this film lacks. You can predict who the murderer is a mile away but there is one thing this film does not lack and that’s sex and intrigue. The detective is none other than Mark Ruffalo of Avengers fame, and boy can he pull off sexy. Meg Ryan plays the teacher in a role where I had only seen her as the sweet woman looking for love in You’ve Got Mail, Sleepless in Seattle and Kate and Leopold. I think the most interesting aspect of this film was seeing two famous actors known for their wholesomeness, shed their “good girl/guy” persona and get busy.

Plush (2013)

Another good one nobody has heard about. The film has a fantastic original soundtrack where the actors actually can pull off and slay the tracks they are given. I may have bought the entire soundtrack immediately after watching the film, it was that good.

The film is about a young singer who engages in an affair with the guitarist of her band, and his presence spirals her life out of control. Emily Browning and Xavier Samuel play the leads and the passion between the two radiates off the screen. The film melds sex and murder in a familiar way, but it never feels boring. A spin on obsessive love with a Rockstar twist.

Elle (2016)

 

Elle is so good and Isabelle Huppert is so fantastic in it she was nominated for an Oscar. Despite this, there aren’t many people who’ve seen the film. I don’t blame them since the first few minutes of the film opens on the rape of Huppert’s Michele. Its tough to handle, but damn is the pay off worth it.

The film centers on a businesswoman who is raped in her home and tries to figure out who the culprit is. Michele does not involve the police because of her family’s tragic history and finds herself to be a capable woman who can take care of herself. Michele isn’t particularly likable, she sleeps with her best friend’s husband, and constantly pokes fun at her son and his pregnant girlfriend, but that's what makes her so interesting. The film walks the fine line of sex and violence that may not appeal to everyone, however, the thrill of the cat and mouse game between Michele and her assailant is one not to be missed.  

There you have it.

Keep it Sexy.